I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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