R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The air was thick with penises
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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