at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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