Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
