Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
