I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
