i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
