I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
