oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
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i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
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I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize