end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
it was like eating out sand paper
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
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The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
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And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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