i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Your shirt... Was in my pants
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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