my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
