Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
