I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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