guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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