Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
