Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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