three words: i give head
three words: not that well
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
