Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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