So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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