I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
