hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
