I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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