upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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