Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
