zippers are such a cool invention
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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