i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
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