do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
