none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
