My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
