I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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