I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
