My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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