put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We had to coat check the pizza.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
