i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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