I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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