between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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