I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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