Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
