Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
