I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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