I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
