Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Randomize
