I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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