cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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