went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
