What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
