Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
