70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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