good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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