last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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