My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
