I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We had sex on a dog bed..
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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