His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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