he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
