dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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