That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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