So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
