her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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