You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
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