after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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