either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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