Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
