dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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