So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
