I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
